With time opening up for me a bit more these days, I'm putting together a list of every possible unfortunate scenario that I will turn into a full project upon my retirement. Here's the start. Feel free to contribute. (The Onion helped tremendously).
So far...
phone system down; run in stocking; nuclear annihilation of planet; balloon floats away; glass eye falls out during speech; condom breaks; hairdresser quits; wolverine attacks child; Jack White releases bad album; lose $60 at bus stop; fatal heart attack; meat goes bad; floor collapses; tsunami; train wreck kills hundreds; computer crashes during lenthy download; Statue of Liberty falls over; grain elevator explodes; comet hits earth; ammo runs out; gored by moose; fan belt breaks on interstate; sour cream runs out; gassy; mother-in-law hates you; hamburger tastes charred; ignored by waiter; check gets lost in mail; $2 winning scratch-off gets washed with pants; get caught in middle of knife fight; humidity makes hair frizzy; cola explodes all over you; UPS package isn’t for you; gas grill explodes all over you; neck breaks while clowning around; Livestrong bracelet gets caught in revolving door; everyone finds out you’re a fraud; leg cramps up in middle of big game; strikeout with bases loaded; earth gets thrown off its axis; plane gets hijacked; girlfriend’s new friend cuter, funnier; pen dries out in middle of class; laptop battery loses charge; favorite bill gets vetoed; oversleep on first day of work; neighborhood goes to seed; meeting with ambassador postponed; greeting card not a Hallmark; bite violently down on inside of cheek while eating sloppy joe; blind date repulsed by toenail clippings on futon; mother throws out beloved old stuffed hippo; leg gets amputated by dredger chain; real mother appears out of nowhere; drunk tattoo artist uses Dremel tool instead of needle; pants stay unzipped all day; nosebleed unnoticed for first ten minutes of wedding; get shortchanged at charity bake sale; breaking a tooth while comically pretending to bite down on the Great Pyramid of Giza; tripping on cable and falling to floor with broken ankle while angrily storming off set of 24; one of your legs grows four inches; avoided inviting annoying friend to your party, then acquaintance from work brings that friend as a date; snagging shirt cuff on door latch; neglecting maintenance of reactor cooling system leading to core meltdown; accidental light jerk of wrist knocks cup of coffee off counter; water doesn’t taste like water at all; building shanty on hillside in anticipation of monsoon season, then getting buried in erosion-triggered mudslide anyway; get home after meetings all day, notice tie is outside your collar; cursor won't budge for ten minutes until co-worker tells you you're moving your eyglasses case; stuck in MRI tube with "Welcome to the Jungle" playing nonstop; discover all your home movie videos taped over with "Mystery Science Theater"; end of Thanksgiving table will have to go in walk-in closet; slowly realize 'skip' button on youtube ad never coming; hard pat on back from father-in-law at family gathering knocks out both glass eyes; therapist just said 'bingo'; spouse throws your home office from balcony; accidently end business call with 'I love you'; excercise ball all the way over there;
4:24 PM PT: Alas, in a bit I have to take off for a while. Later...