Read my diaries, No one pays me dick, I represent nobody and I hope everybody f¥cks off

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Tuesday April 26, 2016 · 5:03 PM PDT

2016/04/26 · 17:03

I might not agree with what you're saying but I'll fight to the death for your right to sound like a god damn fucking moron. why are you like this?

Never forget: the earth wants us as a species dead. And I don't blame her.

You shouldn't be allowed to run for president if you haven't, at least once in the past year, muttered to yourself: "I'm such a fraud."

'Entitled optimism,' should be a phrase because nearly everyone in western society is infected with it.

I hope this election doesn't cut into anymore of my "emotionally detached" time.

a bridge too burnt

Poll

107 votes Show Results

I wonder if The Fonz is upset that Chachi turned out to be such a shithead.

107 votes Vote Now!

I wonder if The Fonz is upset that Chachi turned out to be such a shithead.

Yup

31 votes

Nope

9 votes

Sharks be jumping

38 votes

how do you mend a broken mind?

29 votes

Please listen carelessly as our menu options have stayed the same

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Friday April 08, 2016 · 1:20 PM PDT

2016/04/08 · 13:20

AP: two elderly Americans don't know how to work a metropolitan transit system. related: water is wet.

It's obvious Bill Clinton's trying to sabotage Hillary's campaign. I think he's getting cold feet about becoming first lady.

I must remember to tell Iceland's Prime Minister that there's always money in the Ice Stand.

Looking for a weekend activity to enrich the soul? Dig a hole. You can hide in it, or bury a body, or just fill it with Mountain Dew & swim.

What a time to be disillusioned.

Poll

44 votes Show Results

Pants are cruel. Our legs must be so lonely in solitary confinement

44 votes Vote Now!

Pants are cruel. Our legs must be so lonely in solitary confinement

Makes sense

11 votes

Doesn't make sense

1 vote

You're still weird

8 votes

Ever had a bunch of work to do but all you wanted to do was type words into the void of the Internet and I'm doing it again aren't I? dammit

24 votes

Arguing on Dailykos is like taking your time and setting it on fire.

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Friday April 01, 2016 · 2:01 PM PDT

2016/04/01 · 14:01

It's about goddamn time for me to see how many whole onions I can eat sitting naked on a Baby Gap floor before I'm escorted out.

Her: Look at the pretty stars!

Me: Look at the endless black void that crushes your soul every time you try to rationalize it!

Your stick figure family window sticker promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image for your children.

I found $100 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy weed, Nerf guns and candy".

That awkward moment when all the white people in the bar don't know if the song is "Ice Ice Baby" or "Under Pressure".

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

Poll

46 votes Show Results

What if oil and water are still upset about a fight they had in a previous lifetime?

46 votes Vote Now!

What if oil and water are still upset about a fight they had in a previous lifetime?

Salad Dressing

15 votes

I don't know

2 votes

Sounds plausible

14 votes

All I really want is someone to love and an army of hamsters to avenge Champ's death.

15 votes

mama's, don't let your babies grow up to be sociopaths

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Tuesday March 22, 2016 · 12:03 PM PDT

2016/03/22 · 12:03

I won't consider corporations people until I can kill a bunch of them and skin them to make a horrifying corporation suit.

Reporter: what about automation in the work place

Hilary: I welcome our robot overlords

Bernie: with motorcycle and guitar i will fight them

Make the wall out of the millions and millions of forms that are required for an alien to become a legal resident.

Thinking about the future and caring about the future are different things.

I think it’s time to burn our emotions clean and then get some tacos.

Poll

31 votes Show Results

Don’t do drugs, kids. Be responsible and wait until you’re an adult with a soul crushing existence and an unbearable sense of dread.

31 votes Vote Now!

Don’t do drugs, kids. Be responsible and wait until you’re an adult with a soul crushing existence and an unbearable sense of dread.

That works

8 votes

that doesn't work

3 votes

Just Say No

1 vote

If you fill your vape pen with cherry cough syrup you get to talk to God

19 votes

It's always nice to remember that people that are politically aligned with U can also be trash fires

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Monday March 14, 2016 · 12:43 PM PDT

2016/03/14 · 12:43

One of the nice things about being a man is that I never have to worry about being told I've betrayed my entire gender with some minor decision.

Ask yourself: Am I living the best life possible without actually killing all my enemies? The answer may surprise you.

BREAKING: Trump announces latest campaign promise to build an underground railroad and make black people pay for it.

Do you think GOP Convention sponsors Google, AT&T, Cisco, Xerox and Coke are concerned that they're about to bankroll a Nuremberg Rally?

To do list if Trump and Hillary are nominated:

1. Change my name to "None of the Above"

2. Run for president

3. Quietly sail into office

Poll

45 votes Show Results

Politics is predicated on manipulating a population that has been spoon-fed the erroneous belief that all economics is a zero-sum game.

45 votes Vote Now!

Politics is predicated on manipulating a population that has been spoon-fed the erroneous belief that all economics is a zero-sum game.

True

8 votes

False

1 vote

Fuck if I know, that's not even a question, asshole.

17 votes

I liked to ride the small bus because it had seat belts, was more agile in traffic situations, and the conversations were entertaining.

19 votes

Beating Trump at his own game

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Wednesday February 24, 2016 · 2:01 PM PST

2016/02/24 · 14:01

Donald Trump is running for President as the WWE candidate. He’s brash and full of shit just like any good professional wrestler. Facts don’t matter to the pro wrestler because what he does isn’t real. Bullying, xenophobia and all the other shit are just part of the game. So if you want to beat Trump you have to think like Vince McMahon because that who Trump is impersonating. Vinnie Mac has one of the best entrances ever in wrestling he struts out to a song that just repeatedly says no chance in hell.

YouTube Video

So how do you beat Vinne Mac. There’s a few ways, but my favorite has always been fighting his swagger with your own swagger. Be it the Rock...

YouTube Video

Or Stone Cold Steve Austin…

YouTube Video

Open link in new tab

If you going to be the woman or man you have to beat the man. Which means we can’t sit around whining about how Trump is mean and racist and all that other shit. You just need to hit him right across the damn jaw and knock his candy ass out and then drown him in beer and stun his ass. You have to roll around in the mud and get dirty. The high ground has been abandoned and this is war. Shits about to get ugly. Too bad this guy can’t take out Trump like he did before.

YouTube Video

Poll

36 votes Show Results

Obama can’t close Guantanamo now! We’re going to need it for all those people that vote Trump in November.

36 votes Vote Now!

Obama can’t close Guantanamo now! We’re going to need it for all those people that vote Trump in November.

True

8 votes

False

0 votes

Every time Donald Trump wins a primary an angel gets its wings cut off with a chainsaw

28 votes

I earned the right to wear this velour tracksuit

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Thursday February 11, 2016 · 10:22 AM PST

2016/02/11 · 10:22

At some point humans asked animals to love them and animals said don't eat me and humans were like okay, but they were also kind of lying.

If you're wearing a leather shirt, people stopped being honest with you a while ago.

I remember they called a school assembly to explain the Challenger crash to us. I remember my mom weeping. It's hard to explain that NASA used to mean something, But it's cool a bunch of rich people got tax cuts so now we can't go to the moon any more. Kids don't *need* heroes or a sense of wonder.

things that are predictable but still don't deserve your trust:

police

politicians

the sky

Poll

23 votes Show Results

How do I know if Naomi Watts is secretly living inside my skull?

23 votes Vote Now!

How do I know if Naomi Watts is secretly living inside my skull?

you will never know

7 votes

look for the hints

6 votes

you made need help

0 votes

Whenever someone extends a fist-bump, I gently cover their hand as I lean in with a soft kiss and a whisper, "rock paper scissors."

10 votes

send deck chairs

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Tuesday January 19, 2016 · 3:20 PM PST

2016/01/19 · 15:20

I like to post comments online in the persona of someone who has a perfect moral center and never makes mistakes, does anyone else do this?

"Banks are inherently good," Hillary says. "Some of my best friends are banks. A bank is my church. My daughter Chelsea married a bank."

Bernie accused Hillary of being in the pocket of Wall Street. She had to push past a comb, a kleenex & some change before she could answer.

For a bunch of people who use lots of violent rhetoric there isn't a single GOP candidate could defend themselves from even a mild wedgy.

At this moment, 3:19 PM PST, someone with a loaded AR-15, who no one is coming for, is patroling the defensive perimeter of a bird sanctuary.

Sean Penn is getting a lot of heat for his story, but I think El Chapo also deserves some blame for not punching Sean Penn.

Poll

35 votes Show Results

Today's one of those days where I just want to get a cup of coffee and watch a wombat destroy a Walmart.

35 votes Vote Now!

Today's one of those days where I just want to get a cup of coffee and watch a wombat destroy a Walmart.

sure

11 votes

not sure

3 votes

you're still not right in the head

10 votes

I stopped writing the screenplay when I realized there was only one way this story could end.

11 votes

Lotteries and never ending wars are perfect examples of America's innate idiotic optimism

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Monday January 11, 2016 · 7:17 PM PST

2016/01/11 · 19:17

If you're white you can apparently just keep playing army your whole life. Where does starting Civil War 2 because you're mad at park rangers rank in in the Annals of Disproportionate Butthurt?

If I win Powerball I'm going go to work drunk and high at 2pm in pajama pants eating Doritos letting everyone know how I feel about em.

Seeing Obama with Seinfeld in a car was great but when will they give the people what they want? Biden and Dave Chappelle on hoverboards.

Random dead person: "Hi. I just died. I need to get into Heaven."

Dude working the door, not Peter, he's backstage with band snorting coke: "Bowie's here tonight. Are you on the list?"

Random dead person: "No. I just died."

Dude working the door: "You'll have to wait."

"Hello from University of Phoenix Stadium. We're playing a college championship here because we have no sense of decency or irony."

Poll

27 votes Show Results

"Be the owl among the falcons. Own your traveler's flatulence with the drug lord. TEQUILA!" Sean Penn writing about Chapo

27 votes Vote Now!

"Be the owl among the falcons. Own your traveler's flatulence with the drug lord. TEQUILA!" Sean Penn writing about Chapo

That's weird

9 votes

The whole thing is boring

4 votes

Sean Penn is very boring

8 votes

I don't believe in owls. They just seem fake

6 votes

Occasionally, stop screaming. Take a good, deep breath. Then start screaming again.

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Tuesday December 29, 2015 · 2:40 PM PST

2015/12/29 · 14:40

Don't talk to anyone you don't wish to speak with. In fact, just don't talk to anyone. Ever.

It isn't about winning or losing. It's about being such a jackass no one wants to play the game with you at all.

Don't be the asshole who thinks he's a better asshole than all the other assholes just because he knows he's an asshole.

Find new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold. Also hang on to your weed dealer, the good ones are platinum.

Orange is the new black. Purple is the new bacon. Walrus is the new stethoscope. The year is 2057 and words are all meaningless.

Probably the saddest story in the Bible is the Titanic hitting that iceberg and Jack died but all the animals survived.

I do not remember ordering this “new year.”

Poll

48 votes Show Results

On this day 2015 years ago the baby Jesus invented buffalo wings

48 votes Vote Now!

On this day 2015 years ago the baby Jesus invented buffalo wings

5 votes

That's not true

3 votes

There was no blue cheese, man

23 votes

To those of you who think I'll burn in hell, don't fret: I've saved you a wobbly, uncomfortable seat right next to me.

17 votes

I don't understand your delusions, but I admire your commitment to them.

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Monday December 21, 2015 · 2:39 PM PST

2015/12/21 · 14:39

"After subjugating my work force, I end the year by redistributing the wealth to a bunch of takers based on subjective criteria." - s. claus

Christmas is coming. It's still ok to react with violence if a bearded stranger is in your living room.

”why do ghosts suddenly appear every time you are near? just like me, they long to be, haunting you”

Don't live a life of elaborately constructed lies. The simple lies will be much easier to remember.

There are very few days left in December. Drink yourself stupid through as many as possible.

Pay attention to the little details. That's how you ignore just how terrible the big picture is.

Poll

46 votes Show Results

Never thought I'd live this long. Now I just consider it my punishment.

46 votes Vote Now!

Never thought I'd live this long. Now I just consider it my punishment.

Enjoy

13 votes

Whatever

9 votes

I really don't get this

3 votes

*makes plans for obsolescence*

21 votes

Humans are running everything? You have GOT to be kidding me.

jbou

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Tuesday December 15, 2015 · 4:11 PM PST

2015/12/15 · 16:11

Once scientists can combine genetic traits artificially to create customized hybrid organisms, I'm getting me a Steve Harvey Keitel.

As an adult Christmas gets less magical. It's not that I don't believe in flying deer, it's just that I know what it'd cost to insure them.

My favorite part of Christmas is when the alcoholism overtakes the materialism.

Deciding between things? You'll need at least two options. Options: Can't decide without 'em

Politics is simple it reminds me of that dress. Thousands and thousands of people screaming "White!" & "Gold!" thousands and thousands screaming, black & blue!

When the Earth is uninhabitable and the last people are dying off, there will still be a few people saying settle down it's a natural cycle.

Number of hedge funds: 10,149 Number of Taco Bells: 6,228

Really makes you drink, doesn't it?

Poll

44 votes Show Results

Remember that time in 3rd grade math when you thought it was just a fart and you ruined your Fruit Of The Looms?

44 votes Vote Now!

Remember that time in 3rd grade math when you thought it was just a fart and you ruined your Fruit Of The Looms?

Yes

14 votes

6 votes

I don't know

2 votes

Pepperidge Farms remembers

16 votes

6 votes

Newer
Older

RSS