Ben Carson thinks the government is coming to seize your time machine.
On the bright side, the government spying on us means someone might actually listen to your podcast.
Crying kid: My toy broke!
Me: [kneels down] Things break sometimes, son. Like condoms..[stares blankly into space]..stupid, faulty condoms
People should thank me more often for not having children.
We all have cameras and yet no one has snapped a picture of a bird fucking a bee.
Under a microscope, a gnat becomes a terrifying monster. Don't trivialize someone's anxieties. You do not know what they are seeing.
I'm not waiting for death; death knows where I am.